He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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