I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
