somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My penis needs a shock collar
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
