At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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