Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
