better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
