I have demons in me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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