what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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