I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
