this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
