I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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