My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
