i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
