Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
