Jerry, you need to find god
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
