I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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