I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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