I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize