if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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