you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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