i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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