it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
