so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Randomize
