My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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