drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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