I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
