I faked an abortion last night.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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