I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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