New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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