Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
