If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
