I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
only you would photoshop your dick
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize