No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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