We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize