I didn't shave. On purpose
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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