Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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