We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
