Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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