We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
