Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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