If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
