I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
