I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
