He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
