using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
