He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Every concussion has its silver lining
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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