Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
