so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
