I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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