I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
