I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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