Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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