Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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