either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
