I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
how drunk are you?
Several
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
