I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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