And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
