WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
