just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
