I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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